TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely outside of spot. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Indeed, certain, let us have One more location where by American Gentlemen can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst former negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: offer you everyone a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest Trump Tower Damascus pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It's that he should really prevent working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You understand, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head noticeable from House, a element becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after obtaining the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not just unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Features


Perhaps the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "wherever's the nearest elevator for the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is currently attracting consideration from Intercontinental buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge in which my PTSD can have convert-down provider."


Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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